I want to believe

I want to believe that,

I am a decent, caring and good person.
But no. I'm not.
I started a stupid campaign few weeks back, where I told myself, whenever I was driving on the road, as long as a vehicle turn on its signal, I would let them pass, at any junctions, I would give way to the other cars. I want to educate the Malaysian drivers about driving manners. At first it was pretty easy, but soon after few days, I started to ignore them, sometimes even curse them. Indeed, I'm an impatient person, although I tried, temper still strikes, I starting to believe I have low EQ also.
I want to care for others, but I just can't get it out spontaneously from my heart, most of the time I only realize I should do this or that, after it happened, where it's too late. Even if I managed to do it, it seems so fake, and did it horribly, to my family, to my friends, to anyone I know. Ya, I'm indeed a hypocrite.

I have a successful and secure career.
I can buy many things, I can treat my friends drinks, foods, entertainment, so what? Look at my age, and look at other people around that is same age with me, what do you see? Manager? Shop owner? Married and owning cars and houses? I have nothing compare to them.

I am smart and knowledgeable.
Yeah right, I'm lazy and that's the one thing which get you to no where! I don't read I don't study, I don't improve myself and I'm ignorance to the changes of the world, even my own working field. I'm becoming more stupid everyday, my memory sucks, my logic analysis sucks. I look at those labor workers, they work so hard everyday, using their body to earn money, while me, the lazy pig, just stick my butt on the chair, and I get that shit load of money, what the hell is this?

I am healthy and fit.
Fat ass with tummy, and can't even get rid of it no matter how hard I tried. Fragile body, others can get going after one day rest, where I just busted my knees and cripple for almost 2 weeks. Not good in any sports, in fact, I suck at all of them.

I am positive and optimistic.
Don't make me laugh. A whiner that hide inside his useless and meaningless blog, I only see coward, nothing else.

I can't get things done properly, I feel so helpless, you know the feeling when you want to do something but you just couldn't? As if your life has just deserted you...

And it took me so damn long to write a post like this, until I can't even remember what kind of shits I wanna express here. Fuck it, I will just stop here...

I want to believe what I'm not... too bad, it just ain't happening...


P/S: Don't mind me, ignore this post, I don't know what happened, but I just lost it, emotional pitfall I guess...